Post by RisingPhoenix on Dec 3, 2013 8:37:40 GMT -5
I took my last pain pill last night. I have been fighting this battle for over a year now and I am just tired. It seems like all the odds are stacked against me. My back is against the wall and my assailant is strong with funky breath. I don't know they are just strong. I usually try to laugh my way through pain but I have never encountered pain such as this. I mean I have had two kids but because of my medical conditions I was only in labor for 13 hours with the first child and then they did a C-Section. The second one was a scheduled C-Section that occurred exactly 11 years ago today. But I am getting to that. I am laying on the bed and my head is throbbing and he says "mom what about my cake." No, no you can't do this to him. How could you forget?! What is the matter with you?! Eleven years ago today you were willing to sacrifice everything for him and then you forget his birthday. I have always awaken before my kids and came in and hugged them and told them the story of when they came into this world and how happy I was for them being here. I don't know whether I am allowed this one time or was I still wrong. But it feels horrible to forget your own sons birthday. I love him so much. I love both of my kids so much. But I am losing this battle with my pain and my memory. I am losing my gift. I am so tired of fighting because these doctors aren't listening to me. Someone told me it was because I was black. Are you serious? Would you let me suffer because of my race? And how do I fight something like that. Then they are saying that it is because I am bipolar. Two things I cannot do anything about. I love my skin color and I don't want to change it. I love who I am and I don't want to change my personality or anything that everyone seems to love about me. I am just coming to loving myself. My bipolar is a curse I am not going to lie. But if I didn't have it then maybe I wouldn't be able to write at all. All of my ideas they rush to me so fast, so fast my computer can barely keep up with me. I've lost a lot, many, many sacrifices because of my mental disorder. But I've gained a lot too. I just have to work harder than most to keep it together and then when I am in the privacy of my own home in front of my computer all of the things that I kept locked in I can let loose through writing. But now this problem here is something that is beyond me. The doctors do not want to treat this issue because they may have to give narcotics if my insurance will not pay for the botox injections. Here's the thing though, they will not give me an MRI here. The only MRI that was done was in Texas and Texas did not want mold to be discovered as a reason why this was happening so they covered up every single reason I went to the hospital. Mold certainly wouldn't have been discovered in the MRI but the pain would have been and that still would have been more evidence stacked up in my favor. I never wanted any sort of narcotics. I only wanted a cure. I just want them to do tests and see that this is not something I am creating. And if it is still we would both know. If I were creating something like this all in my head for over a year then I really don't need to be around my kids. I would rather they were removed from my care because I love them more than my own life. I just need them to prove it. Still this event was a phone number, it was an appointment, this was the day he came into my life. One of the best days of my life. How could I forget?