Post by John Reid on Feb 13, 2018 17:03:34 GMT -5
THE GREAT BATMAN DEBATE
By John Reid
(Author's notes; In 2016 fans of the original Batman TV series in the 1960's were treated to an all new animated feature titled “The Return of the Caped Crusaders” starring the voices of Adam West, Burt Ward and Julia Newmar. In the plot Catwoman scratches Batman with “Batnip” hoping to turn him evil and as the plot unfolds he becomes increasingly darker, which is an obvious send up of how the character became darker in the films. Batman takes over hosting a popular TV variety show in Gotham and replicates himself with a stolen replicator invented by a scientist. If you haven't see this gem that is all of the spoilers I will give you, but it occurred to me while watching it that if I were writing it I would have included the following scene....)
(West/Batman) As you know I have taken over the city using my replicants but one thing I discovered about the replicator is that if you copy a copy and not the original they seem to come out less than perfect. These replicants have expressed to me a desire to create their own Batman persona and so I gave them permission to create their own original Batman costumes. They stand now behind these three curtains. Alright contestant number one. Let's see what you came up with?
(The curtain opens and out steps the Michael Keaton Batman and holds out his cape)
(Keaton/Batman) I'm Batman (he whispers)
(The West Batman slaps his palm to his jaw as he stares at the contestant)
(West/Batman) Wow! There is so much wrong with that costume I hardly know where to begin? But we'll start with the obvious problem. If you wear that and say to a criminal “I'm Batman” (He whispers) He's going to say, “No you're not! Because Batman has real muscles, not fake rubber ones!”
(Keaton/Batman) Ok let me stop you right there. This is not rubber. It's a special bullet proof material of my own design. In this costume I am impervious to gunfire. Is your costume bulletproof?
(West/Batman) No, but that's because I'm Batman, not Superman, but if being bulletproof was your goal I see a serious design flaw.
(Keaton/Batman) What? Where?
(West/Batman) Half your face is sticking out! (He points his finger like a gun at his face) Bang! You're dead! And worse yet I don't think you can even duck in that cowl! Can you even move your head right and left or up and down?
(Keaton/Batman) Ok, I admit that might be a bug I need to work out, but you gotta admit. With the longer ears and larger cape I look a lot scarier in this.
(West/Batman) Criminals are not scared of my ears? Or my cape. (Flexes biceps) You see these guns? That's what strikes terror in the hearts of criminals, but costume aside, let's talk about your utility belt! You see these big pockets on mine? That's so I can carry big weapons like batarangs, gas bombs, gas mask, batrope and well you never know what you will need in the field. What can you possible carry in those tiny little compartments? Toothpicks?
(Keaton/Batman) I have batarangs too. I just put the larger pockets in the back and the smaller items up front. You have to admit it looks way more stylish than yours.
(West/Batman) Ok at the count of three we'll both go for our batarangs. One, two, three ( The West/Batman pops open a front pocket and his batarang drops into his hand instantly. While the Keaton/Batman is still digging in the back of his.) Point made! Now as for the larger cape, how are you planning on fighting in that? It's bound to get caught up in every punch you try to throw?
(Keaton/Batman) Um yeah that is a problem. I've been using a lot of front kicks.
(West/Batman) What? You mean like Batgirl? Ok contestant number two show us what you came up with?
(The second curtain opens and out steps the Kilmer/Batman)
(West/Batman) Oh from crying out loud? At least he came up with an original design! You just stole what he did and painted it black!
(Kilmer/Batman) Yes but the black color is the innovation. Wearing black I am harder to see at night. I am the night!
(West/Batman) So you're only planning on being Batman at night? What? Do you have a day job? Don't you realize that a lot of crime occurs in broad daylight? Once the criminal world learns you only come out at night then they will commit all of their crimes during the day! Oh and just for the record if you had done more research you would have learned that science has stated that the colors blue and grey are the hardest two colors to see at night, not black! You look like you're wearing a frog man suit with ears, if you can call those ears? They look more like horns if you ask me, and would make a great handle for criminals to grab hold of to unmask you. Plus those outfits are bound to slow you down enormously. Why do you think I wear spandex because I want to join the Gotham Ballet? In this costume I have complete freedom of movement. I can jump, dodge, punch, roll and most importantly chase the bad guys. I doubt if either of you could catch Grandma Moses in those outfits...Oh wait a minute...I just noticed something. Are those outfits all one piece?
(Kilmer/Batman) Yes
(Keaton/Batman) Yup.
(West/Batman) Look fellas even Batman has to go to the little bat boy's rest room every now and then? It happens! Did you even think to include a zipper in that costume?
(Kilmer/Batman) Uh...
(Keaton/Batman) Oh crap.
(West/Batman) Ok contestant number three show us your design.
(The curtain remains closed and they hear his voice from inside)
(Clooney/Batman) Forget it. I'm not coming out there!
(West/Batman) What do you mean? Why not?
(Clooney/Batman) You'll...laugh.
(West/Batman) No we won't laugh. Listen I was hard on these two guys true but I admire innovation. I really do. They both showed some original thinking. So show us what you came up with! I might see something I like about it.
(The curtain opens and out steps the Clooney/Batman and there is a pause for 2 seconds and then all three Batmen burst out laughing. Keaton Batman has to lean on Kilmer Batman's shoulder he is laughing so hard and the West Batman is slapping his own knee he is doubled over with laughter! The Clooney Batman merely stands there his face getting red)
(Keaton/Batman) Ha ha ha...oh ha ha...wait....wait...Look! He's...He's got nipples on...the costume)
(More louder laughter erupts from the trio of Batmen and the West Batman drops to his knees and starts slapping the floor!)
(West/Batman) Oh ha ha ha...no! I ...ha ha didn't ha ha even ha ha see that! Ha ha ha ha...I ha ha Oh God! I...can't...ha ha...breathe!
(Just then though Robin who has teamed with Catwoman to give Batman the antidote to her Batnip shows up and all hear Robin joining in the laughing)
(Robin) Holy Las Vegas Batman! Ha ha ha...Look at that?
(Clooney/Batman) Hey! Who are you laughing at bird boy? At least I'm not wearing short pants and pixie boots!
(All 3 other Batmen erupt in laughter again this time pointing at Robin)
(West/Batman) Oh ha ha ha thank you, ha ha. I've been telling him that for years!
THE END
