The Raven's Eye: Prologue

[wookiee]

The title: The Raven's Eye is my working title until I can come up with something better, but in the meantime, here is the prologue for my story, constructive criticism is more than welcome, enjoy. 

    The roar of a pack of Dominion bikers sounded in the distance, breaking the still night air with their loud droning. “How could they have found us already?” Lt. Daniel Simmons was a Spy for the East Atlantic Republic Defense Force’s espionage division, Raven Squad. He was sent to the Dominion border city of Maricosas on a stealth operation to meet with a contact from within the ranks of the Andalus Dominion Military known to him only as Prism, though apparently, his mission wasn't much a secret anymore. Prism opened her mouth to say something but one of the sidecar mounted machine guns opened fire on them, sending bullets whizzing over their heads. “This way!” shouted Daniel as he took her hand and led her to a stand of trees deeper in the forest. They finally cleared the trees before they realized that gunfire stopped and the droning of bike engines disappeared. “Did they leave?” he asks more to himself but out loud. He looks to Prism to see almost all the color drained from her face. “No, much worse...” she says quietly. Before he can ask what she meant, a loud, high-pitched whistle pierced the silence, and a single bright red light locked onto them. The Dominion war drone was a 6 foot, human shaped steam automaton that moved around on a single wheel and ran off of a steam engine that belched out black smoke from the smokestack behind it and white steam from any orifice that it could escape from. On its shoulder was a large Gatling gun that immediately began to spin rapidly as the drone wheeled towards them, the sound of gunfire quickly filling the air.

[Michelle]

Very good start to a Steampunk story. I've read stories that are labeled as Steampunk and while reading it, halfway through, nothing. No steam powered machines, no automatons. Just a bunch of people in Victoria clothes. And if this was not meant to be Steampunk . . . it will be considered so.

The tension begins high and leads to a higher climax, making the reader wonder. . . "What happens next?"

My only suggestion is that when you write a story or post a story, that you use the return key to separate dialog from the action. Ex. In your structure, start a new paragraph when you switch speakers, even if it's one word. Keep each speakers words, actions and any attribution in one paragraph. When you want to switch a reader's attention, create a new paragraph. It will help break up what looks like a huge paragraph and help you guide your reader through your story.

This should be submitted to the Steampunk Anthology coming soon.

Here is the example of a new layout.



The roar of a pack of Dominion bikers sounded in the distance, breaking the still night air with their loud droning.

“How could they have found us already?”

Lt. Daniel Simmons was a Spy for the East Atlantic Republic Defense Force’s espionage division, Raven Squad. He was sent to the Dominion border city of Maricosas on a stealth operation to meet with a contact from within the ranks of the Andalus Dominion Military known to him only as Prism, though apparently, his mission wasn't much a secret anymore.

Prism opened her mouth to say something but one of the sidecar mounted machine guns opened fire on them, sending bullets whizzing over their heads.

“This way!” shouted Daniel as he took her hand and led her to a stand of trees deeper in the forest.

They finally cleared the trees before they realized that gunfire stopped and the droning of bike engines disappeared.

“Did they leave?” he asks more to himself but out loud.

He looks to Prism to see almost all the color drained from her face.

“No, much worse...” she says quietly.

Before he can ask what she meant, a loud, high-pitched whistle pierced the silence, and a single bright red light locked onto them. The Dominion war drone was a 6 foot, human shaped steam automaton that moved around on a single wheel and ran off of a steam engine that belched out black smoke from the smokestack behind it and white steam from any orifice that it could escape from. On its shoulder was a large Gatling gun that immediately began to spin rapidly as the drone wheeled towards them, the sound of gunfire quickly filling the air.

[wookiee]

Thanks sooooo much! I'll definitely keep that in mind when I write the upcoming chapters, and thanks for the input as well!

[The Muse]

Michelle you beat me to the punch.

She is right on the money Wookiee. I would like to make an observation as well. Its not always necessary to do an "Information dump" about your characters right off the bat. You can explain such details at a later time, or you can put them first BEFORE you go into the action of the scene.

For Example:

Lt. Daniel Simmons was a Spy for the East Atlantic Republic Defense Force’s espionage division, Raven Squad. He was sent to the Dominion border city of Maricosas on a stealth operation to meet with a contact from within the ranks of the Andalus Dominion Military known to him only as Prism, though apparently, his mission wasn't much a secret anymore.

Would have worked well as an intro to the scene. OR you could have placed it after the scene. Either way, it is a little hard to follow the dialogue in an action scene when this type of factual information interupts the flow of the scene. While you are writing, try to picture the scene in your head, and imagine the factual information as the voice over of a narrator...where would you want to hear the narrators input? Would you get annoyed with the Narrator if he kept interupting the scene or the dialogue?

Its only something to think about for future reference. But so far, you are off to a pretty good start.

[wookiee]

Alright, Hopefully I'll have chapter 1 finished tonight, and hopefully come up with a better title.