Post by 204 on Oct 19, 2013 8:00:50 GMT -5
Hey there. It's been a while I guess. For newer members who don't know me my name is John. I work for the government as an FFT2 now and much of my time has been taken up with saving cities from the most destructive forces on earth. Now that the season's coming to a close I find myself once again sitting in my bedroom. Restless. Missing the excitment. I've only been on for a year but it quickly became my whole life and is the only thing I have found so far that keeps my monsters at bay. Fighting fire with sixteen other guys, strangers at first, who in the next few months you will form an undying brotherhood with. Even in the business today we still refer to each other as brother firefighters. When you're camping in the middle of nowhere with an evergrowing cover of smoke around you and when you have to wake up at five, hike ten miles, swing a pulaski all day while occasionally chasing walls of fire and beating flames out with your tool causing it to get black and get unusually hot. It's cool how it stays hot for hours after you finish up at long last. But I'll never forget when a brother firefighter and I had to take cover in our fire shelters. I can honestly say I have never been more scared in my life. And I have been through some pretty scary crazy stuff. The roaring of the fire was deafening, and I felt like I was cooking from the inside out, and my skin felt like it was being seared from my flesh. I could hear Stine screaming over the sound of my own screaming, and the only thing going through your mind is keep the cracks seald, and stay inside. You want so badly just to take a peek outside to see what's going on, but if you do....well, it's a lot hotter outside than it is in the shelter, no matter how bad you feel. Don't get out. You have to stay in their for a while. When we came out we were black with mud and ash, caked on with the thick layer of sweat, our nomex uniforms soaked with sweat and the once yellow shirts now a light shade of brown. God I miss it.
Can't wait for next season.
Which brings me back to my current predicament. All holed up, and nothing to fight. For months I was able to not think about the Wasps and the Director and a couple weeks off the job here I am again obsessing over the fact that she's still out there!
I've been going through a bit of a rough time. I feel myself....changing. Waning. I'm not what I used to be. I used to be full of drive, and commitment. I was bursting at my seams trying to shut her down for good, and granted, did a whammy on her with the Juneau Mission but now......I'm tired.
I've been fighting too long. All the years in Utah, the years I spent trying to take back my life, I've always been fighting, and it's always something else, and now...all I really want...is some serenity.
I know! Crazy right? ME? 204, Guardian Psychopath, Protector of Children, and unwavering force against instititutional corruption in multibillion dollar industries?
Tired?!
Yep. I've been tired. I feel like a cloud for admitting it, but than I reflect on everything that's happened and that quickly dissipates and I'm left not knowing what to feel. Confused.
I don't know why I haven't felt as driven to take them all down lately, but this voice keeps telling me I have to. I can't break that promise I made. I vowed to myself I would bring her and everyone like her down, and I am furious at myself for getting tired. I just finished watching video after video after video of testimonials from other kids who have survived these facilities, and that helped. I felt it again, than unforgetable...force inside me. Seeing their faces, their crying families, the rallies in the streets, the news programs all of it.....making my blood boil.
.....I missed that, too.
--204
Can't wait for next season.
Which brings me back to my current predicament. All holed up, and nothing to fight. For months I was able to not think about the Wasps and the Director and a couple weeks off the job here I am again obsessing over the fact that she's still out there!
I've been going through a bit of a rough time. I feel myself....changing. Waning. I'm not what I used to be. I used to be full of drive, and commitment. I was bursting at my seams trying to shut her down for good, and granted, did a whammy on her with the Juneau Mission but now......I'm tired.
I've been fighting too long. All the years in Utah, the years I spent trying to take back my life, I've always been fighting, and it's always something else, and now...all I really want...is some serenity.
I know! Crazy right? ME? 204, Guardian Psychopath, Protector of Children, and unwavering force against instititutional corruption in multibillion dollar industries?
Tired?!
Yep. I've been tired. I feel like a cloud for admitting it, but than I reflect on everything that's happened and that quickly dissipates and I'm left not knowing what to feel. Confused.
I don't know why I haven't felt as driven to take them all down lately, but this voice keeps telling me I have to. I can't break that promise I made. I vowed to myself I would bring her and everyone like her down, and I am furious at myself for getting tired. I just finished watching video after video after video of testimonials from other kids who have survived these facilities, and that helped. I felt it again, than unforgetable...force inside me. Seeing their faces, their crying families, the rallies in the streets, the news programs all of it.....making my blood boil.
.....I missed that, too.
--204
Welcome, 204! Totally glad to have you.
